San Diego, CA -- Pedro Sanchez is a one hundred year old Spanish peasant, but according to a new study released today by the Institute for Childish Research, he is an infant who was born only yesterday.
Co-authored by Dr. Henry Morris and Dr. Duane Gish, the study was prepared in anticipation of Senőr Sanchez's centenary birthday celebration. The researchers present evidence supporting their claim that the supposed old age of the man is a fraud perpetrated by the medico-scientific establishment against the official Government-issued Birth Certificate which, although unsigned and vague, explicitly identifies yesterday as his date of birth.
Members of the Institute for Childish Research (ICR) believe that the Birth Certificate is the first, final and only word in determining the age of individuals. Therefore, any evidence that appears inconsistent with the age set out in the official documents has been either incompetently obtained, honestly misinterpreted or deliberately misrepresented.
Evidence Complies With Certificate
According to the ICR educational philosophy, "all genuine facts of science support the Birth Certificate." The tenets of childish science, to which all research adheres, elaborates on this absolute trust:
The Birth Certificate, consisting of the thirty-nine canonical documents of the Old System and the twenty-seven canonical documents of the New System, is the bureaucratically-inspired revelation of the Government about age. Its unique, plenary, verbal inspiration guarantees that these writings, as originally and meticulously given, are infallible and completely authoritative on all matters with which they deal, free from error of any sort, scientific and historical as well as clerical and procedural.
The ICR study details the results of the doctors' examination of Senőr Sanchez (or "Baby Pedro," as they call him) and objectively corroborates their pre-existing conviction in the inerrancy of the Birth Certificate. The evidence includes:
- baldness,
- toothlessness,
- unintelligibility,
- awkwardness,
- weakness, and
- incontinence.
These qualities are characteristic of infants. Although neither author is a medical doctor, the study bases its conclusion on their analysis. Calling it the "Young Man Theory," newborn status is proposed as the simplest explanation that complies with the accepted truth of the Birth Certificate.
Objections Dismissed
Many obvious contrary facts were explained away. Even so-called "Old Man Theorists" were impressed by the creative methods used to accomplish this feat. Q: Pedro's unusual size? A: Baby fat. Q: His highly developed features? A: He's ugly. Q: Memories of his friends and family? A: Accessories to the conspiracy.
Alternative theories were summarily rejected as, at best, ridiculous or, at worst, insurrectionist. Sprinkled throughout the study was ad hominem rhetoric directed against their proponents. This is typical of the literature of childish science. It is thought to ingratiate the writers with the Government, source of the all-important Birth Certificate.
Devotion to the Government, its leader and its power is another key tenet of the ICR's platform, as is a parallel disdain and caution toward its opponents:
The final restoration of the State's perfection is yet future, but individuals can immediately be restored to fellowship with their Government, on the basis of its redemptive work on their behalf, receiving public works and eternal social security solely through personal trust in the Prime Minister, accepting Him not only as Provider but also as reconciling Redeemer and coming King. Those who reject Him, however, or who neglect to believe in Him, thereby continue in their state of rebellion and must ultimately be consigned to the everlasting fire prepared by the Opposition Party and its minions.
When informed of his ultimate fiery fate, Senőr Sanchez drooled.
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