Vatican City -- Following Sunday's Day of Pardon, Pope John Paul Jr. said there was "no way in Hell" he would comply with the terms of penance. God had ordered the Pope to say 648,093,342,885,119 "Hail Mary"s and 45,010,333,720,907,002 "Our Father"s to atone for the Catholic Church's sinful history.
"I said we're sorry," said the Pope, referring to the sweeping papal apology solemnly woven into the liturgy of Mass inside St. Peter's Basilica. "I even dressed in purple and had seven cardinals and bishops join me. If that's not enough to atone for two thousand years of atrocities done in God's name, then I don't know what is."
The apology referred only to seven general categories of sin: sins "in the service of truth" (a euphemism for the persecution of heretics), sins against Christian unity, sins against Jews, sins against other religions and cultures, sins against women and the unity of the human race, sins against individual rights, and a catch-all of sins in general.
"Given the number of sins committed in the course of twenty centuries, the list must necessarily be rather summary," explained Bishop Piero Marini, who was in charge of the ceremony.
The short list of sin included in the ceremony did not fool God. A statement issued by the omniscient deity said that "every sin committed by order, authority or indifference of the Church is known to me."
The final tally of penance was calculated by God according to the standard confession sentencing tables. The tables specify, according to the results of centuries of rigorous scientific research, the number and type of prayer a sinner must say to cleanse his eternal soul of the damning stain of a particular sin.
The Pope, never a fan of scientific research, dismissed the divinely ordered sentence. "There is no way in Hell I'm going to say all those goddamn prayers," he said. "I'm the Pope for chrissake!"
He then announced his plan to issue a simple papal decree absolving the Church and its members of any responsibility for any sin during the last two millennia. According to the doctrine that the omnipotent God is bound by the infallible Pope, no further prayer will be necessary.
"One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter the first Pope by the son of God before he left was, Whatever you hold true on Earth, I'll hold true in Heaven," the Pope said. "So if I say we're forgiven, God must adhere. It's dogmatic law."
He denied being advised in this matter by Kevin Smith.
Although the Vatican expected its critics to react harshly to the Pope's attempt to reconcile the Church with its sinful past, the response was generally calm acceptance. "It's business as usual," said Dr. Bob Ingers, professor of mythology at Darrow University.
"The real importance of the apology," he continued, "is no doubt lost on the Pope: Not only did the Church fail to act properly according to any reasonably civilized standard, but it now admits 'sinning' even according to the ludicrously low standards of its own god!"
