Mt. Ararat, Turkey -- God made a rare personal appearance today to announce the largest recall order ever. In only the second comprehensive recall since the product's introduction on the sixth day of creation, version 2.0 of Man will be upgraded and launched as 3.0. Over six billion units will eventually be processed.
"I see that the wickedness of Man is great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart is only evil continually," said God with characteristic vagueness. "I regret that I released a defective product, and it grieves my heart. I will recall Man whom I have created from the face of the earth and issue an upgrade."
The "Man" product line includes both men and women, but God has always marketed women as an inferior model intended to be subservient to men. God's use of the term "Man" is usually understood to implicitly include women, who do not merit equal mention by him. The recall and upgrade apply to both models.
History of Problems
Man has always been a difficult product, even in the beginning. The Alpha and Beta prototypes became incurably infected by the Serpent virus and gained autonomous control of their knowledge systems. They wreaked havoc on God's primary development facility, Eden Laboratories, and were expelled.
Embarrassed by his failure first to create a perfect product and second to control his creation, God abandoned the Man project after a few half-hearted attempts at intervention. Left to fend for themselves, the prototypes developed and distributed their own self-propagating architecture as version 1.0.
Version 1.0 survived successfully for many generations, but God eventually became so disappointed with its behaviour that he decided to recall it. "I could no longer keep a straight face when I called the malfunctions 'undocumented features'," God explained. "They were bugs. Nobody's perfect."
God used a global flood to recall Man 1.0 except for one sample he kept alive to repopulate the world. Codenamed Noah, the project was designed to develop version 2.0 by retaining only the best features of its extinct predecessor.
God resolved to actively intervene in the future of Man 2.0 following Noah to prevent a second disappointment, and after allowing time for the new version to be fruitful and multiply, he initiated the Abram plan and many others. "I tried so goddamned hard," God said, "but the defects in my creation were too severe. It's time to upgrade."
Recall by Asteroid
The recall of the current version will be conducted by an agent of God, Asteroid 1998 OX4, in January 2014. There are no plans to preserve a sample of Man 2.0 or immediately launch 3.0. "I need some time off to review what went wrong so it won't happen a third time," God said. "Even we omniscient can learn from our mistakes... twice."
God denied rumours that he was unable to use a second flood due to the terms of the Rainbow Covenant. "No. The reason is that a flood is an overtly miraculous event, and ever since Man began to discipline imagination and exercise reason, I can only perform miracles among the ignorant and stupid," God said.
The spread of education and science has had a profound effect on God's omnipotence, limiting him to subtle activity cleverly disguised as natural events. An asteroid impact is all he can manage.
God pleaded with his creations for calm as their end draws near. "And please, no praying," he said. "It didn't help last time, and it won't help this time."
