New York, NY -- At a press conference today in New York, the center of the world's Jewish community, the god of Jews shocked his flock with a startling announcement: "Yom Kippur is cancelled."
Breaking all gods' longstanding policy of working in mysterious ways, he offered an explanation. "Backed up paperwork. You mortals have no idea of the huge operation required to maintain the illusion of omniscience. Over the last millennium or so, the staff has fallen behind."
The god, who goes by the sacred Hebrew name "YHWH" or the English "Jehovah," continued, "Finally, I thought, why not just skip a year? You have this grand idea of your planet's orbit controlling everything... Please. How totally anthropocentric! I've got a whole universe to run. Don't you think I have more important temporal markers than your every orbit? So this year -- KAPUT!"
Death by Dice
Jews in attendance were visibly shaken. Yom Kippur, meaning "day of atonement," is the most sacred Jewish holiday. It differs from other Jewish holidays, which typically are celebrations of historical disaster avoidance, by being an effort in future disaster prevention.
It is the climax of forty days of repentance and the day of judgment. The "Book of Life," a divine bookkeeping device, is closed and sealed with the fates of all humanity for the following year. On Yom Kippur, Jews pray virtually all day and are prohibited from eating, drinking, washing, using perfumes or oils, wearing leather shoes, and having sex.
Without Yom Kippur, previously scheduled to begin on the evening of September 29, how could Jews repent? Rabbi Shai Shaul Silver, away from the security of his gullible congregation, whined, "What will happen during the next year if we don't pray for our lives? What about the Book of Life?"
Scowling at the rabbi and mocking his whiny tone, Jehovah answered, "What will happen? What about the Book? Who let the wimp in? Listen up. What will happen is the Book will be blank. Instead, life and death will be determined by a roll of dice. In other words, you won't notice any change."
Every Two Years
The treasurer of a large local synagogue asked about the future calendar. "Will Yom Kippur return? I need to plan a budget, and the seat sale for the High Holy Days is a major source of revenue. Cancelling Yom Kippur leaves only the two days of Rosh Hashana, effectively reducing the take by--" He was interrupted by a bolt of lightning. Jehovah blew a wisp of smoke from his fingertip. "Next question."
A more tactful person, acting with self-preservation in front of the mentally unstable deity, asked the same question without any elaboration that might offend. "Every two years, beginning next year," came the terse reply. "The longer time to work on the judgment project will enable my staff to design new procedures to enhance efficiency. My omniscience should be up-to-date by next year. In the interim, the dice policy will be in effect."
Jehovah began walking away from the podium but suddenly returned. With a manic look in his eye, he concluded the news conference by saying, "In case any of you are thinking of taking this opportunity to defect to the newfangled Jesus or Mohammed cults, not to mention that Hubbard guy's hilarious Xenu thing, just remember that I'm always looking for more office staff.
"There isn't life after death -- there's only eternal data entry."
