Virginia Beach, VA -- Expressing "profound sadness" at the defeat of their efforts to defend humanity from the "conspiratorial menace" of homosexuality, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell declared themselves "the last straight men alive."
The two men made the announcement during a televised address on Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network. Robertson explained that they couldn't risk a full news conference for fear of "being converted by telepathic suggestion to become another slave of the satanic communist gay atheist agenda."
For a full hour they discussed the "homosexualization" and dissected how homosexuals were able to win the "war" over sexual preference.
Falwell Blames Culture
Falwell blamed the demise of male heterosexuality on a carefully orchestrated campaign of homosexual cultural infiltration. By seeding popular culture with gay archetypes, operatives disseminated their subversive propaganda to impressionable young people.
"All it took was the unrelenting exposure of one generation of children to gay role models," he said. "The manipulation was subtle but no doubt intentional. I tried to warn you, but you laughed. I told you so! I told you so!"
Falwell recalled warning parents about the suspect sexual preference of Tinky Winky, one of the Teletubbies, calling the triangle-topped purse-carrying television-torsoed purple creature of whimsy "a frontal assault in the homosexualization of young boys."
(Why it didn't create a generation of triangle-topped purse-carrying television-torsoed purple men remains a mystery.)
According to Falwell, young women were not spared, and it was the insidious influence of popular music that drew many to lesbianism. "Two words: Lilith Fair," he said. "It's no accident that the festival is named for the demonic pagan lesbian. Why didn't you listen to me instead of the evil music?"
Robertson Blames Scotland
Robertson explained that the world headquarters of the gay onslaught is Scotland. "It's a dark land where homosexuals wield great power. In Europe, the big word is tolerance. Homosexuals are riding high in the media. Scotland -- that's the homosexual power center."
Robertson had been thwarted in his attempt to rescue Scotland from the clutches of the gay conspiracy. A planned joint venture with the powerful Bank of Scotland, which would have given him a local foothold for the enforcement of righteous godfearing heterosexuality, was doomed by strong public opposition.
"For a while, I suspected that the city of Orlando was the seat of gay power," he said. "But when no hurricane hit following Gay Days, against my prediction, I knew that the headquarters was somewhere else. Now it's obvious that Orlando was merely an outpost. Scotland was the real threat."
Robertson and Falwell plan to get as far away from Orlando and Scotland as possible on Earth by moving to Tasmania, where they will establish a heterosexual last stand. Although they conceded defeat to the forces of male homosexuality, they have not abandoned hope for the future.
"We extend an invitation to all attractive young women who have not succumbed to Lilith's seduction to join us -- the last straight men alive -- and help preserve the straight world," Falwell said.
"In God's name," Robertson added.
