Lincoln, England -- The Paley Institute, a prestigious think-tank dedicated exclusively to research in the field of natural theology, announced a startling new techno-theological discovery: the Internet was created by God.
"We are very excited by our proof of the worldwide computer network's divine origin," said Dr. Ian Cleanthes, director of the Institute. "Not only is our discovery a significant advance in the field, but because it's based on Paley's own work, we're extremely confident in it."
William Paley, from whom the Paley Institute takes its name, was a clergyman and philosopher well-known for his work in natural theology, the belief that the nature of God can be understood by reference to the natural world. His most celebrated contribution is an imaginative proof of the existence of God.
This proof, a variation of the argument from design sometimes called the watch argument, lies at the heart of the creationist theory of the Internet. "Paley began with a watch and proved that God exists and created the world," Cleanthes said. "We took his reasoning one step further and proved that God created the Internet."
Analogy: Watch = Living Organisms = Internet
Paley's watch argument is a teleological proof of God's existence (from the Greek teleos, meaning "purpose"). It is structured as an analogy between a watch and living organisms:
Paley argued that living organisms are even more complicated than watches, "in a degree which exceeds all computation." Only an intelligent designer could have created them, just as only an
intelligent watchmaker can make a watch. But the designer "must be adequate to the magnitude, extent, and multiplicity of his operations." The only designer up to the task is God.
"We began where he left off," Cleanthes explained. "We know from Paley's proof that living organisms were created by God. Basically, we just extended his analogy to the Internet. Our examination showed that every one of its hardware and software components is evidence of purposeful artifice."
He went on to describe several components in great detail, comparing the infinitesimal etching of a microchip to intricately tangled brain neurons and equating TCP/IP communication with the replication of DNA. "The scope and complexity of the Internet is comparable to living things," Cleanthes concluded. "The marks of design are too strong to be got over. Design must have had a designer. That designer must have been a person. That person is God."
Censorship a Religious Imperative
Christian leaders around the world quickly embraced the new creationist theory, and each denomination is integrating it into its unique understanding of God's will. All agree that censorship of online information is a religious imperative.
"That's how it always works: God creates; we regulate," said Southern Baptist Reverend James Folly at the unveiling of Lord's Own NetFilter 1.0. "God created the human body, too, but it's not a plaything. It's a sin to abuse your body, and it's a sin to surf without controls." Similar products, such as Norton's ChristGuard 2000 and McAfee's Anti-Satan, are being endorsed by other denominations and flying off store shelves.
Meanwhile, a contrite Al Gore apologized and prayed for forgiveness for claiming that he "took the initiative in creating the Internet." The Vice President said, "I am truly sorry, and I hope the Defense Department will follow my example by admitting that they didn't create the Internet, either."
