Greenville, SC -- Was Hip Hop phenom Lauryn Hill on to something when she read from the Bible during her acceptance speech for Best New Artist at the Grammys? A new study suggests she was, and it could forever change the way people compete.
The study, conducted by researchers at Bob Jones University's Department of Empirical Theology, reports that God is intimately involved in human affairs and is especially interested in competitions for entertainment awards and sports championships.
The researchers claim to have amassed sufficient scientific evidence to support the conclusion that the outcome of all such contests, from the Grammy Awards and the Oscars to the World Series and the Super Bowl, is determined by God's divine will -- which can be swayed.
"Our study shows that God likes to be thanked," said the Reverend Professor Clem Hooch. "There is a direct correlation between winning and thanking God. Everyone who thanked God for their win, won. Everyone who didn't win, didn't thank God. Clearly, God is in control and favours believers."
Faith Quotient Determines Success
According to Hooch, people who have a stronger belief in God have a more powerful effect on divine will and are better able to influence the outcome of competition. He and his team came up with a standard measurement of strength of belief: "faith quotient" or FQ. Based on their proof that winners have higher FQs than losers, the study extrapolates from the data to make conclusions about several athletes' and celebrities' FQs.
For example, Mark McGwire has a higher FQ than Sammy Sosa, but the 1998 New York Yankees had the highest average FQ of any team in baseball, ever. In football, the Denver Broncos had the highest average FQ for the second consecutive year. Basketball has been dominated by the Chicago Bulls, but Hooch attributes their success to record FQ holder Michael Jordan, who compensated for his unremarkable teammates.
Show business, God's other main area of interference in human affairs, has its own share of FQ talent. Lauryn Hill, of course, won five Grammy Awards because of her literally mind-numbingly high FQ. At the other end of the spectrum is perennial Emmy Award loser and apostate Susan Lucci.
James Cameron was thought to have a strong FQ, but Hooch said "God was pissed off" by Cameron's "I'm king of the world!" stunt at last year's Oscars. This year, Steven Spielberg is his favorite to reclaim the FQ crown. "In addition to Spielberg's high faith quotient," he said, "God loves war, so Saving Private Ryan will win -- unless God becomes erratic because Prince of Egypt was snubbed."
Is Politics Next?
With startling scientific evidence revealing how God can be manipulated into intervening on behalf of competitors, the study is sure to affect what people do to win.
No longer will teams draft the most talented players and practice regularly. Now, Bible study will replace training camp, and missionaries will coach. Musicians will transform hymns into rap, psalms into metal, and prayer into punk. Hollywood will become a Holy Land of actor-evangelists and born-again directors.
Hooch speculated that other areas of human life may also yield empirical data demonstrating God's handiwork and preference for high FQs. "Elections, for instance. If God controls the Grammy Awards, which we thought were determined by the 9,000 voters in the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences, why not politics?"
In response, Pat Buchanan, who recently announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination for President, said he is considering improving his FQ by joining a monastery for the duration of the campaign. Critics called it a publicity stunt, but many hoped he'd do it. As one put it, "Vows of silence and abstinence: He'll shut up and won't reproduce."
