Cincinnati, OH -- Modern day missionaries of all denominations gathered together recently to tell stories, share advice and generally lament the sorry state of their profession. The conference, entitled Bringing the Salvation of Revelation to Uncivilized Savages (BSRUS), was an unprecedented attempt to pool the knowledge and experience of rival Christian variants.
The gathering reflects a growing dismay at the increased skepticism and sophistication of the world's unreached savages. After many years of valiant independent struggle to spread their own unique absolute truths, missionaries have buried their rivalries. Since they face the same difficulties, they recognized the value of collective study.
The goal of the BSRUS conference was to develop new strategies to infiltrate, undermine and replace the proud traditions that sustain ancient cultures with a perverse, fragmenting and bigoted faith. Despite, or perhaps because of, this lofty goal, the conference failed to accomplish anything other than further depressing attendees with tales of tragedies. Far from the cannibal-eats-missionary variety, they showed the simple common sense of people uninfected by, or immunized against, Christian dogma.
Sci-fi Fandom Still Unreachable
The most celebrated session was a panel discussion about fans of science fiction. The genre was described as popular among savage youths and wayward adults. It encourages unconventional thinking, imagination and ideas, and it is populated by ungodly, unsaved and otherworldly creatures. Therefore, it is evil.
This devilish work is spread by an army of writers, directors and visionaries. Many of the finest and most famous creators of science fiction are godless heathens, including past luminaries such as Isaac Asimov, Robert A. Heinlein, Gene Roddenberry and Carl Sagan, and living legends like Douglas Adams, Arthur C. Clarke, Harlan Ellison, Stanley Kubrick, J. Michael Straczynski and Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
One panelist said she attended a science fiction convention and tried to introduce people to Jesus. "I told a group I was hanging out with about Our Lord and Saviour, the Answer to the Great Question of Life, the Universe and Everything. They all looked at each other for a moment and then burst into laughter chanting, over and over again, 'Forty-two.' 42, 42, 42... it must be some sort of ritual designed by the Evil Atheist Conspiracy."
An audience member suggested a possible reply based on the fact that there were 42 generations from Abraham to Jesus, according to Matthew 1:17:
It was the consensus of the panel, however, that to engage in biblical exegesis would have been counterproductive. Reports by a missionary scout to a Star Trek convention described a culture obsessed with minutiae and trivia and thrilled to discover even the slightest inconsistency.
"We're talking about people who noticed that, after the pilot episode, Captain James Kirk's middle initial changed from 'R' to 'T.' They catch errors like that," explained the scout, Ronald Lafayette. "We can't run the risk of encouraging them to scrutinize the Old Testament, or the New Testament and -- for Christ's sake! -- certainly not BOTH!" The whole panel nodded in agreement.
At the end of the conference a resolution was adopted to ease missionary work. Future efforts should be restricted to people who are poor, isolated and uneducated -- people desperate enough to agree to any belief. It was hoped to prevent a fiasco that would embarrass missionaries and the religions they represent.
Next stop? The fundamentalist Muslims in Afghanistan.
