Austin, TX -- Finally succumbing to the intense media and public ridicule that followed revelations of his supernatural beliefs, Texas Governor George W. Bush resigned his office and withdrew his candidacy for the Republican Party's nomination for President of the United States.
Reading a prepared statement, the former politician said, "I regret ever publicly admitting to a personal relationship with a supernatural being. I miscalculated the political effect, and I apologize to my staff and to my financial supporters. But I do not regret my commitment to Christ."
This final chapter in the story of Bush's political career was widely regarded as inevitable following his shocking answer to a question posed in an early debate. Asked to name the political philosopher or thinker who had most influenced him, Bush gave his infamous answer, "Christ -- because he changed my heart."
"It's going to be hard to explain," he continued. "When you turn your heart and your life over to Christ, when you accept Christ as the Savior, it changes your heart. It changes your life. And that's what happened to me."
Many stunned observers -- including Bush's own advisors -- initially refused to believe the presidential candidate was referring to the divine messiah figure of the Jesus cult. Although there were earlier accusations that Bush had "theistic tendencies," they had been dismissed as baseless mudslinging designed to disparage the frontrunner's credibility and moral character.
But Bush confirmed during a post-debate interview that he had indeed "recommitted" his life to Jesus after a walk on a beach with a man named Billy Graham, later discovered to be a shaman of sorts in the Jesus cult community. "I am not ashamed," Bush said, instantly transforming himself into a laughingstock.
Comedians and cartoonists tried to outdo each other by suggesting what Bush would do as President: Free churches from paying taxes? Make Christmas a national public holiday? Print "In God We Trust" on currency? Add "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance? The hilarious speculation was endless.
As the ridicule intensified, Bush tried desperately to recover his intellectual integrity by insisting to anyone who would listen -- and fewer and fewer could without giggling -- that he was capable of rational thought in spite of his staunch adherence to supernatural beliefs.
A Time-CNN poll conducted last week showed the effort was futile. A mere three percent of likely voters nationwide supported Bush -- a figure within the margin of error. Reasons varied from "I feel sorry for him" to "He makes me laugh" and "Because that's what Jesus would do."
There was widespread relief in the Republican Party to Bush's departure. Haley Barbour, the Party's former chairman, said, "It's about time. He was an embarrassment. The longer he remained a public figure, the more we were in danger of alienating our core support among the Rational Right."
Sources inside the defunct Bush campaign said that his resolve to continue was broken after a conversation with his father, former president George Bush. The elder Bush's antipathy toward theists is well-known from his statement, "I don't know that theists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots."
Without the entertaining distraction of Bush the Republican primary is sure to be rather boring, but the sober reality is that voters in the United States laugh at supernatural beliefs. They don't elect people who follow them.
