Lower East Side, Theistica -- Adam Fortune, 32, was arrested by local police and charged with assault and disturbing the peace when he attempted to interfere and prevent the circumcision of Alan Daniel Stone, an eight day old child, at Beth Anshei Chessed synagogue.
Fortune had jumped on the dais and grabbed the double-edged knife from the mohel who was about to slice off the foreskin of the child in accordance with the legend of Abraham, a senile old man who mutilated his own penis because voices in his head told him to.
"The suspect was subdued and detained by members of the congregation until we arrived," said Officer Nancy Werd, who was first on the scene. "Mr. Fortune was taken into custody by my partner while I remained to make sure the ceremony continued without further interruption."
It did. For a second time, the screaming child, whose loving parents had arranged the ceremony and paid for the mohel's services, was held in his grandfather's lap strapped to a board to immobilize him for the assault on his newborn body.
Following Jewish custom, the mohel was not a medical doctor and no anesthetic was used -- although a cloth dipped in red wine served as a makeshift gag. The attempt to pacify was unnecessary, however, since the traumatic shock of the overwhelming pain quickly silenced and numbed the child.
After successfully ensuring the peaceful completion of the ritual genital mutilation, Officer Werd left the synagogue feeling spiritually uplifted. "Hearing the baby suddenly stop crying was magical. I'm thinking about converting to Judaism," she said, adding, "I'm just glad I'm a woman!"
Many other people who witnessed the surgery also felt its metaphysical power. Some just felt faint. Everyone in attendance hurried to the meal prepared in honour of the Jewish hazing ritual.
The Rabbi of the synagogue delivered a short sermon to explain the significance of brit milah (circumcision) in Jewish tradition and why it must take place on the eighth day after birth.
There are positive energies and negative energies in this world. Negative energy, however, is only able to derive its strength from whatever positive energy it can capture. Thus, wherever holiness is present, unholy forces strive to dwell there as well. Prior to the eighth day, the soul of the child is not yet fully within the child. Therefore, the negative energies have nothing on which to feed. On the eighth day, however, when body and soul unite, the total energy arrives.
The greatest concentration of the positive energies comes to rest upon the male organ, being that it possesses the potential to create life. Since there is now an opening for positive energies to flow, the negative energy then comes and tries to attach itself to that opening. In this case, the concentration of the negative energies is in the foreskin, thus making it the embodiment of negative energy in the child.
Only when the brit is done on the eighth day is the greatest concentration of negative energy annihilated and will never be able to have control over the child. On a metaphysical level, we cut off the ability for the potential of negative energy to become actualized in the child, thus giving him the extra strength necessary to overcome any problems he will experience throughout his life.
Sarah Stone, the child's mother, said, "If Mr. Fortune could have heard the Rabbi, maybe he'd understand that we want what's best for our son and wouldn't have tried to stop the brit. Little Alan won't ever have to worry about being controlled by the negative energy in his penis."
And in other news...
Child welfare officials rescued a ten day old girl from her parents, Nicholas and Carrie Berring, after they carried out the ritual removal of her left earlobe. Investigators said the Berrings were members of a fringe cult that believes evil forces possess the left earlobes of infant girls, and surgical removal is necessary to avoid lifelong problems. The couple was arrested by police, and every person present who did nothing to prevent the abuse was arrested as an accessory. The child is recovering in foster care.
