Ingersville, Theistica -- Mary Sullivan, 32, and her two children, three-year-old Matthew and six-year-old Isaac, died last night in a fire that swept through their small home but spared the life of Abe Goldstein, Mary's husband and the boys' father.
Forensic analysis of fragments found at the scene helped reconstruct the tragedy and discovered that the fire started when flames from a Chanukah menorah spread along a piece of tinsel to overhanging branches of a Christmas tree. The tree, dry and brittle, guided the fire up to the ceiling and the children's bedroom above.
"Baruch dayan emeth," was Goldstein's immediate reaction, parroting the traditional Jewish platitude spoken in response to death. It translates to "Blessed judge of truth," a reference to God's execution (literally) of his infallibly righteous judgment. Rescue workers initially dismissed the comment as the conditioned response of a mind too wracked with shock and grief to react rationally.
Survivor: "It's a miracle!"
However, the praise of God continued. Despite the violent deaths of his family and the total destruction of his home and possessions, Goldstein expressed only gratitude for his survival. "It's a miracle!" he said. "God saved my life. It wasn't my time, and he plucked me from the fire like Jonah from the fish. Praise Jesus!"
According to his account of the disaster, when his wife was suddenly awakened by the sound of the children's cries and the smell of smoke, she panicked and rushed from her bed to rescue them. He followed, mere seconds behind, but the flames had already collapsed part of the roof, trapping his family in a raging inferno. He barely escaped, suffering only smoke inhalation and superficial injuries.
"It's a clear sign that I'm right," Goldstein continued. "We have to cover our bases when it comes to religion. Baruch Hashem!" The Goldstein-Sullivan family observed the traditions of both the Jewish and Christian religions -- hence the combination of menorah and tree that proved so deadly.
Goldstein had adopted his late wife's faith and she his. The religious duality seemed irreconcilable to others, but they made it work in practice. For instance, Isaac and Matthew had been both ritually circumcised and baptized. According to friends, the odd mixture was difficult only during the annual challenge of finding chocolate bunnies that were kosher for Passover.
God: "I hate fencesitters."
God, who claimed responsibility for the artfully precise arson that miraculously left neighbouring houses unscathed, vehemently insisted that Goldstein's interpretation of the tragedy was dead wrong. "Pompous asshole," muttered the clearly angered deity.
"My standard religious fare isn't good enough for him and his family, huh? For millennia -- MILLENNIA! -- I've carefully cultivated fanaticism. I'm the most successful cult founder in history. And now this pathetic mortal thinks he can do better by building a patchwork religion out of two of my best? Choose ONE! I hate fencesitters. Burn, arrogant scum."
God added that "religious stew" or "franken-cults" will not be tolerated and pointed out the intolerance, chauvinism and superiority built into each of his theologies, which should have made his desire obvious. Everyone is required to "choose a Heaven, choose a Hell," he explained.
Upon hearing that the deity claimed responsibility for the property damage and deaths, Goldstein's insurance company refused to pay for his loss. "It falls within the 'act of God' exception from coverage," a spokesperson said.
